I learned about the true nature of forgiveness from someone very dear to me, my husband, Todd. When I met him 30 years ago, he was one of the friendliest people I had ever met. When we started dating, I realized pretty quickly that everywhere we went he made a friend. He was always engaging someone in conversation and leaving them in a better place than where he found them. It didn’t take long, and we were making wedding plans. In less than a year, we had tied the knot. We spent so much time together dating that after we were married, not much changed except for our zip code. We were finally living in the same one.
But only months after we were married, I started seeing a change in his behavior. Slowly, his once outgoing personality was replaced with discontent and anger. The littlest of things would set him off. He never directed his anger towards me or anyone else. Instead, it was directed towards an object that broke or wouldn’t work or a situation gone wrong.
Months turned into years. I was fortunate that he never stopped talking to me. We set aside time most days to talk and many times those conversations ended up stretching into hours searching for answers. I did a lot of listening in those years. The only advice I ever had that was of any value was “give it to God.” Only once or twice in all those years did I hear him respond. “I’m not like you. I can’t do that.”
There was even a time when he was so depressed that I mentally kept tabs on where he was. It was difficult on both of us but especially him.
We had been married about seventeen years when in the middle of one of our talks he told me he was tired of being unhappy and was determined to do something about it. Little did I know, what a difference his determination would make. It would take a couple of years, but it was quite a transformation.
As time went by, he started acting more like he did when we were dating. One day I realized he was becoming my emotional rock. Without me realizing it, I had started looking to him for support. When I realized what was happening, I pulled him aside and asked what had changed. He responded, “Forgiveness.”
It was then that he let me in on a secret. All those times that I had told him to “give it to God,” he practically wanted to slug me. It upset him so much, but one day he finally took my advice. It didn’t happen overnight, but he realized that he had been holding grudges that had been eating him from the inside out since childhood. God directed him to write down each person’s name. Then over the course of a couple of years, God taught him how to forgive every person, one by one. The very One that he had fought, God, was the only One that had the answers and the only one that could lead him to peace.
For the last ten years, I have gotten quite a lot of my own medicine. When I am struggling with something, Todd’s right there telling me to “give it to God.” Now I know why he wanted to slug me. But I also know that when we face having to forgive or face any other difficult trial, the only thing to do is “give it to God.” Todd’s transformation taught me that God doesn’t command us to forgive to let the person off the hook. He commands us to forgive to help ourselves heal.