On May 18, 2019, my sweet mama went home to be with the Lord. The last couple of years, she struggled with her health, and I had done all I could to be with her as much as possible. She was not only my mama; she was my best friend, but I didn’t tell her for the longest time. You see, when I was young, she told me that she couldn’t be my friend because she was my mother. The two did not go together. Friendship is important but a person only has one mom, and she didn’t want me to lose that special relationship. It took me till having kids of my own to really understand what she meant. She had a lot of godly wisdom.
We talked on the phone almost every day. Until the last couple of years, if I needed advice, she was the one I would call. About 2 months before she passed, I was home for a visit. Little did I know it would be the last time I would see her, but I also knew she was not doing well. With a bit of apprehension, I looked in those eyes still filled with much love and wisdom and said, “I want you to know something Mom. I remember what you said years ago about being my mom, but with all due respect, you are my best friend even if you are my mama.” My heart was so full of love for her that I just wanted her to know how much I loved her. She smiled and replied, “Just as long as I’m your mama first.” She got the message.
When Mom stepped into eternity, my world crumbled. When I got the call, Tejay and I were 30 minutes away from St. Augustine after traveling the last two days from Texas to see her. I’ll never forget the moment. The interstate was unusually empty. The moon was huge. It filled the sky lighting our path. The phone rang. Tejay answered, and I knew. My heart sank through the floor of the van. We took an off-ramp to stop and to pull ourselves together. I knew then that nothing would ever be the same.
In the last couple of weeks, there has been a lot of reports and videos of the devastating California fires. My heart aches for the many who have lost their homes and businesses to the ravaging flames. Grief is so much like fire. It runs across your heart and strips it almost of its very life. The emotional destruction spreads deep into your soul. Initially, everywhere you look there is devastation of what once was. It’s an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes you wonder if you will ever feel normal again.
I’ll never get over losing my mom. My heart is forever scarred by the loss of her. But I’ve come to realize that my damaged heart is a reflection of my love for her. I wouldn’t trade the pain because it’s all the precious memories that cause the hurt. As I write, it’s been a little over five months. Like the aftermath of a fire, I’m starting to see glimpses of life again. I’m still sad and at times, shed tears, but I’m also able to smile and laugh again. She’d want me to nurture hope. Time is fleeting and God still has things for me to do. Like sprouts of green that slowly appear across a land ravaged by the destruction of flames, so my heart is finding traces of life. The love my mom gave me is actually beginning to heal my heart. I know one day I will see her again. But until then, the love and godly wisdom she gave me will continue to bring healing to me and hopefully, one day spread to others hope of new beginnings.